ECNIV

LOVE... what does it mean? what does it signify in one's life? why does it exist? what is its origin?

Answers on these questions don't really fully explain what love is.

i experienced it..holding someone's hands, talking and dreaming together with him, smiling now and then because of him, having a day complete because of him..i felt happy, content and blessed because he is with me as I walk the road map of life.i was happy and no word could describe how i feel at that point of time. words just couldn't convey how happy i am. as always, my fairytale didn't have a happy ending. i was hurt, broken, distorted and bleeding from the pain that's consuming all of me.i had nowhere to cling to, nowhere to seek strength and comfort.. i was scared to confide to my friends, afraid to be reprimanded on how much a fool I've been. the agony wants release, but i kept it to myself.colors faded to grey.i lost a purpose to live, and lost a reason to smile.

that was eight months ago..its been long, yet the misery and ache was still there..it never left me, it haunted me and it made me distant..it changed me and i was chained in its powerful embrace..Guys came, but was never given the chance to enter my life..the past still triggers my whole being.. i was afraid to take risks, afraid of getting hurt again.. scared of returning to the realm of infinite tears..frightened of repeating the same moment where my world turned upside down.. terrified of losing myself in the consequences of love..petrified of being forever locked in the dominion of misery and emptiness..i am afraid of loving again and getting wounded..

despite all my fears, HE came..he was sunshine, he brought back colors into my life..he broke the spell of the witch known as Pain..

Is he enough to break the wall of my past? is he enough to take me to the sanctuary my heart and soul is deeply longing for? is he enough to make me forget the past? is he enough to be my present?

is it you ecniv? ;-;

Is it but a wish?

I always wished that my mom would someday be my best friend and confidante. I've always dreamed of telling her all my problems and all the things that are troubling me now and then. But I think that it won't come true anymore. We always quarrel over some simple things. In the end, I always lock myself up in my own personal world -in my bedroom. And in that safe place, I would shed my tears until I'll feel quite okay. Never did a day pass if we didn't get into an argument. I really can't understand her. If I'll voice out my opinion and explain my side, she snaps that I'm reasoning out again. I really despise the moment when we start screaming at each other. Because of this, I don't want to go home anymore because there's this feeling that I am unwanted, as if I don't belong there and they don't need me. My family, especially mom, always compares me to my older brother which makes me sick. To them, the family would be much better without me. How I longed for the day when we'll just smile and talk to each other nicely like the normal parent-child stuffs. To her, I'm a problem child and to me, she's the mother that I've always wished to be my greatest friend. But I guess the possibility of this wish is down at 0%. Now that things are getting a lot worse.

The Unexpected

The cold and gentle breeze broke through my open window. i looked outside and found my gaze locked on the inviting forest across the turning point. a sudden urgency to take a stride in the forset lingered in the depths of me. i looked on my wall clock.its twenty minutes before 5 pm. suddenly,i saw myself putting on my black jacket. my parents are away due to their 20th anniversary and my brother is up in his room with his friends. "the food is in the fridge. i'm going out.dont bother waiting for me," i called loudly as i got out of the door. i didn't wait for his reply for right now, i simply dont care whether he approved of me going out or not.

a deep sigh of pleasure escaped from me as i reached the forest. there seemed to be voices calling me,seeking me as i pave my way to the hazy place. yes,this is where i wanted to be. i dont know why but a feeling of belonging washed over me. as if im a large part of this place and this is where imdestined to be.I shook my head to remove all the absurdness and walked deeper into the woods, familiarizing every detail of the forest as i walk. leaves shook and branches creaked but the sound was very pleasant to my ears. grasses swayed with perfect rhythm and animals seemed to be hushed as a strong yet gentle wind traveled around the forest.i hugged myself, enjoying the contentment and peacefulness that's enveloping the woods.

The best moment of my life was disturbed by the tiny raindrops coming from the dim sky. i completely forgot the time and hastily glanced at my watch. it's already 7:27 pm. wind blew harshly and the trees shook violently. seems like a storm is coming. my paradise turned into hell as the weather got worse.i zipped up my jacket and put on my hood.i ran for the largest tree, partially covering me from the powerful drops of the rain. a new wave of emotion swept over me.fear. im so alone in this place.i was soaked under the tree and i felt a terrible headache. my body began to feel too heavy for me to stand and my knees became numb and buckled. i fell on the muddy ground and visited the world of darkness.

my eyes involuntarily flew open as i felt cold and strong arms carry me. i also became aware of the motion which is unfathomably fast. a man. an unfamiliar man was carrying me with rich dark hair, warm brown eyes with golden little flecks, a strong jaw, a pale complexion, great build, prominent nose, a perfect profile -  a God-like appearance.

it cant be.flashbacks of myself about reading books and articles about the blue-blooded or cold-blooded played in my mind. "i know what are you," i blurted out unconsciously. "I know.I've been watching you all along," came his velvety reply. i continued to stare at his stunning face until he spoke again. "why did you came here? dont you know that this is a perilous place?" "No reason in particular," i answered, mesmerized by his striking beauty.

he snorted and in a fraction of a second, we're standing in front of my house. he rang the doorbell and before he could leave, i grabbed his arm. "will i see you again?" there was longing in my voice and i suddenly became embarrassed. "soon," he responded and smiled at me. "is that a promise?" "Yes.i'll always watch over you." he dropped a kiss on my wet hair and left,disappearing quickly. the door opened and i saw the worried look on my brother and his friends' faces. they asked me a ton of questions but im hardly aware, for in my mind, im already planning when i would meet him, my vampire, my destined-to-be.

Online Friendship

Friendship is priceless. Good camaraderie is a treasure, with a price no one couldn't afford. It requires trust, which is hard to earn yet easy to break.


Being a member of Otakuzone.com gave me wonderful memories and introduced me to spectacular friendships. In my real life, away from the perfect realm of the web, I've been hurt by friends a dozen times. I already experienced being insulted, back-stabbed, and destroyed under the false shelter of people whom I thought we're real friends. As I paved my way to the arduous and uncertain journey of life, I encountered a lot of dilemmas that threatened to break myself into pieces. Family problems, school frustrations and friendship matters. It's like the world is turning against you and no one could help you. It also seemed that all the doors for me are locked back then. I really felt alone, helpless and agony made me into a person the world didn't even expect me to be. But despite these hardships, my OtakuZone friends stood with me all the way. They never left me unlike those people who'll just leave you hanging in mid-air when they don't need you anymore. They flooded me with sanguine words and managed me to smile in front of my computer like a delirious person. I felt loved and cared for. I felt the connection, even though we're seas apart. Compared to my friends in real life, my cyber friends are more important to me. Yes, i don't know them in person but they appreciated me for who I am. They never did anything mean to me, they showed me the ideal friendship I've been longing for all along. No matter how strong and unaffected i made myself look, i'm so fragile inside.


I know i sound weird, but this is what I really feel. i don't care if all humanity will laugh at me for writing this. i just want to be honest.. ;)


Leaunar, Kass, Hakurai, 28, Sakura, Spirit, Azurelia, Shugo, Virus, Oreo, Aesie, Soullesz, Haruishida, Shirai, Leonado, Saruyaki, Noroko, Johny, Devihyuga, Tsuki, Yen, Paige, Ranzie, Bleed, Flash, Shard, Amnael, Janice, Lenatsukimori, Usuimisaki, Amemaru, Achoo, Nappy, Emokidd, Aliendiversity, Snoopy, Cross, BlackHaru, Babe, Usama, Seie, Dzephiris, CHEEZZZ, Thalia, Lothlen, HiroHoshisuka, Calvin, Shonen, Lextaku, Myross, KawaiiHikaru, JinKazama and Jessica:

Thank you very much! Aishiteru..ILOVEYOUGUYS. Keep rockin'! ;))

-27zchan27

Craps about me~

After thirty minutes if thinking whether to post this or not, i finally decided to do so.. ;)

• im a bookworm.. once i got hold of a book that interests me, ill never let it go again even if its dinner time already..

• im infatuated with vampires (big time!)

• im gothic..i dress according to my personality, which is moody and aloof.

• im chocoholic..i have a sweet tooth..sweets are just my must-haves..

• i love BLACK,purple and silver..i am not a fan of pink like most girls do.. in fact, i despise it.

• i love chucks and VANS..i dont go for Stilettos.. if someone who knows me will see me wearing one, they'll really gape.. im not kidding, i'd rather walk barefoot than have those stupid sandals on my foot.

• i collect neckties, stuff toys, books and sneakers.

• i have a massive collection of stuff toys, dolls and doll house even though i am not girly

• i am not girly.. i hate bling blings and bangles..shiny accessories irritates me..

• my favorite asset of a person is his/her eyes.. once im drawn to a person with fabulous and hyponotizing eyes, ill nag him/her to death.

• i love roses, especially the white one. 

• i love spending my vacation on a movie marathon..i always make sure to have a box of tissue beside me for i cry easily.

• the only musical apparatus that interests me are the drums and violin

• i love punk,rock,hardcore,techno,metal and emo music

• i love to travel, to explore to see the beauties of the world

• i absolutely love oreo cookies.. :)

• i wanna go badly to Japan, Paris, Athens, and South Korea.

• i love staring at the moon and stars during nighttime.. gazing in the sky is my stress-reliever

• im a Chrisitian.. a Methodist to be exact..

• my name Hesed, is a Hebrew word which means steadfast love and compassion.. i think my name isn't fit for me though.. because it highly contradicts my persona. LOL

• i despise Math and it hates me too.. see? we have mutual feelings.. i wonder when we will be married though..

• im a journalist, poet, songwriter and a soon-to-be novelist.. ;D

• i always hug, poke and pinch the cheeks of my friends in real life.

• i am lazy.. i don't do immediately the work assigned to me.. it takes hours of shouting before i force myself to move..

• i badmouth people, i cuss.. im hot-tempered and when someone annoys me to the point of triggering my negative alter ego, i speak vulgar words.. ._.;;

• i am possessive on my friends..i hate it when someone steals my friends from me..i consider myself as a good friend too.. i always make sure to be there when they need me.. im not the type of person who leaves a person hanging in the air.

• i hate the limelight..im contented in the sidelines. being exposed in the public makes me sweat drop and nervous.

• i cant pronounce the letter R..man.that sucks.i have a speech defect.

• i used to cut myself in the wrists a lot back then. ;_;

• i am talkative, i chat nonstop and doesn't even care if the one im talking to is listening or not.. LMAO

• i hate flirts,idiots and insensitive people.. i dislike showoffs and people who show too much skin..>.>

• BEAST, anime, manga, Twilight Saga, books, wine and music is MY LIFE, MY ALL, MY EVERYTHING

• i love wines.. i drink occasionally but have lots of self-control.

• i love checkered patterns as well as abstract designs.

• i dont know how to swim..when i go to a resort or beach, i just submerge myself in the water.

• i ALWAYS have a dreamless sleep

• i am childish yet sensible..i act like a brat but i think maturely.

• i am a war-freak..i never back down to any challenge..when someone insults my friends, ill make sure to beat the hell out of that person.